I'm at an age where what I ACTUALLY believe and what I WANT to believe are becoming the same thing.

If all this is for absolutely nothing and you'll be forgotten by all except 2 or 3 people a week after you die, that's about the most pointless, terrible reality imaginable.

Making up a story to make sense of it all is about the only way to not go insane if you stop for a minute and really think about what the hell is going on here.